When I Am Weak
by Lothiriel84
Summary: "for when I am weak, then I am strong" (2Cor 12: 10). AU. - Written for the Reverse Big Bang on LJ. A huge thank you to my artist Brown Eyes Parker and to my beta MerriWyllow, who also helped me develop the plot. Cover image courtesy of Brown Eyes Parker.
1. Prologue

As soon as her brothers were tucked in bed she sneaked out of the house, a bottle of beer hidden under her blazer. Even though she had every reason in the world to hate alcohol, she needed something to numb her pain tonight; it had been a tough week, that had started with the gruesome discovery of her father's body hanging from the ceiling and ended with the subsequent funeral.

Her feet dragged her to the place where the carnival stood; she wasn't really in the mood for funny entertainments, she just felt like brooding over the happy days of her childhood that had slipped right through her fingers too soon.  
Those were the days when her parents used to take her and her brothers to the funfair, bought them cotton candy and clapped as the kids took a ride on the merry-go-round. Then her mother died and her father started drinking, turning all of their lives into a living hell.

In the end he just couldn't bear it anymore; that's why he'd chosen the coward's way out, without considering how that would affect his own children. After all, they'd lost their mother when he'd lost his wife; they were all alone now, even if that meant she wouldn't have to step in to protect her brothers anymore.

Teresa sat in a dark corner with her knees huddled to her chest. Rationally she knew that God worked in mysterious ways, but she simply couldn't understand His reasons this time around.  
Better not to think at all, she decided as she downed the first mouthful of beer; she didn't particularly like its taste, but that didn't really matter right now.

She was halfway through the bottle when someone showed up and wordlessly sat down beside her. In the dim light she could tell it was a boy, and he was probably about her age too.  
When he felt her eyes on him, he raised his own bottle of beer and clinked it against hers.

"Cheers," he muttered and gulped down about half the contents of the bottle. Just like her, he looked like he had some trouble to forget, and the thought sounded strangely comforting somehow.

For all that she wasn't looking forward to confiding her pain to any living soul, at least she could share her solitude with someone that understood her. She brushed away a lock of hair that was dangling on her forehead, then stopped dead in her tracks remembering how her father used to do the same once.

Tears trickled down her cheeks at last, and she found herself sobbing against the stranger's shoulder. Everything she'd been through was finally taking its toll on her; she always had to be the strongest one, and she was sick and tired of it all.

"Shh, it's okay," the boy said softly, rocking her in a soothing manner.

Instinctively she fisted his shirt and leaned closer. The boy wrapped his arms around her, planting gentle kisses on top of her head.

"Life sucks sometimes. This too shall pass, I promise."

His lips brushed against her brow and she swallowed a sob. Their eyes met for the briefest of moments, then without thinking she tilted her head and kissed him.

He froze momentarily, only to respond in kind a few seconds later. This wasn't about romance; if anything, they were two lonely people seeking comfort in one another through a hard time, and that was more than enough for tonight.

When his hands slid up her sides to rest dangerously close to her chest she felt warmth bubbling inside of her, and did nothing whatsoever to stop him.  
He tasted like the beer they'd both drunk, and her head began spinning a little. The slight hitch in his breath emboldened her even further, her fingers slipping to the buttons of his shirt.

_This is so wrong_, she thought as he discarded her blazer, then the silk blouse that had been the single present she'd received for her last birthday. What they were about to do was a sin, her mother had taught her she should preserve her purity until marriage.

However, only two words passed her lips. "Don't stop."

Later on he held her as she cried against his chest, then offered to walk her to her house. She shook her head as she hastily buttoned up her blouse, not bothering with the blazer; the last thing she wanted was her aunt and brothers to discover what she'd been up to.

What she didn't know right now was that she wasn't going to be able to keep the secret from her family, no matter how hard she tried.


	2. Chapter 1

It wasn't an uncommon occurrence for Teresa Lisbon to reminisce about the past. In spite of all the years that had gone by, she still marveled at how she'd managed to find strength in the most unexpected places.  
It was true that God always helped those who put their trust in Him, and that was what she'd tried to do in her darkest hours. After all, she was barely starting to cope with the tragedy of her father taking his own life when she'd had to face another even more life-changing event.

For all that she'd tried to push the brief encounter with that carnie guy to the back of her mind, she'd learned the hard way that she had to deal with the consequences nonetheless.  
Her aunt had been very understanding, booked her a doctor's appointment and held her hand while the doctor announced that she was indeed pregnant.  
She'd cried then, but stubbornly refused to listen as the doctor hinted at the fact that there were options for her at such an early stage. As much as she regretted the mistake she'd made, the life she was carrying was sacred, and a miracle in itself; there was no way she would agree to get rid of it, lest she felt like the most heinous murderer that had ever stepped this Earth.

Despite her young age Teresa had fought tooth and nail to keep her baby, regardless of all the pressures coming from the social workers who supposedly looked after her and her brothers. In the end she'd succeeded in convincing them that she was responsible enough to take care of a baby, with the help of her aunt of course.

All her efforts were rewarded when she finally held her baby girl into her arms. She'd thought that she was going to die from the pain of childbirth, and yet she forgot it as soon as the little one wrapped her tiny fingers around her thumb.  
Mary Beth, that's how she called her daughter – for Elizabeth was the name of her beloved mother, and Aunt Mary was the one who'd supported her and her brothers after their father's death.

However, that had only been the beginning, as she'd come to learn very soon.  
As a young single mother her life wasn't her own anymore, her child always had to come first. That meant she couldn't go out like all the girls of her age, and she had to struggle not to give up on her dreams entirely.  
Somehow she'd still managed to go to college, and police academy after that. She'd secretly dreamed of being a cop for all her life, so she attended the classes while Mary Beth was in daycare and studied in the night when her daughter was tucked in bed at last.

That was one of the reasons why she'd never really had time for dating; then there was also the fact that guys always vanished into thin air as soon as she mentioned her child. So she simply gave up on trying to find a companion and focused on the two things that mattered most to her: her family, and the job of her dreams.

It seemed that she'd done nicely in spite of people's gloomy predictions; she was now Senior Agent for the California Bureau of Investigation, and her daughter had developed into a beautiful and lively teenager – even though a little too pert for her likings.

Speaking of her daughter, Mary Beth was late again. For all that she was far more responsible than most girls of her age, Teresa couldn't help but worry about her whenever she went out with her friends.  
She didn't want her daughter to go through everything that had happened to her after all.

In the end the teenager breezed through the front door, rolling her eyes in response to her mother's worried stare.

"It's just half past nine, Mom. I didn't smoke, and I didn't get drunk."

"Mary Beth, please."

"It's _Beth_, Mom!"

Her daughter's dislike of her first name always made Teresa's lips curl in the hint of a smile. However, that didn't meant she would allow her to get away with being late.

"Whatever. You said you'd be home by nine o'clock."

"Sorry. I was busy making out with a boy in a dark alley."

Even though she was well aware that her daughter was just teasing her, she couldn't help experiencing a twinge of pain at the bottom of her stomach. Almost fifteen years had passed since that fateful night when she'd given in to the allure of physical intimacy, and yet the subsequent fallout felt just as real as it had back then.

She'd been despicably weak on that occasion, and she was secretly afraid that Mary Beth would be following her down that lane at some point. As much as she tried to be an example for her own child, she knew she'd somehow failed her right from the start.

Mary Beth had probably seen right through her, for a pang of guilt crossed her face and she stepped forward to envelope her mother in a warm embrace.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've just walked Holly home, she seemed particularly down tonight."

Teresa reciprocated the hug willingly, reveling in the closeness to her daughter. Even though she didn't always let it show, Mary Beth had a heart of gold; and she loved her mother dearly, just as much as her mother loved her.  
If her moment of weakness had earned her such a beautiful gift, then she couldn't bring herself to regret it entirely. God had blessed her with a girl that was the light of her life, and she was grateful for that every single day of her life.


	3. Chapter 2

Upon entering her office, Lisbon threw a quick glance at the pile of paperwork sitting on her desk and sighed. It was true that when it came to the cases they had to solve, the closure rate had increased considerably; however, the amount of complaints had increased even more, and both those facts could be put down to the man that was currently dozing on the worn-out couch in a corner of the bullpen.

The new consultant that Minelli had insisted on hiring was much of a walking contradiction. In the space of a month he'd managed to anger half of the people in the building, and yet her other team members already considered him as one of their own; they were ready to put their lives on the line for him, and the same applied to her as well.

On their first meeting Patrick Jane had looked utterly lost, her motherly instincts had prompted her to take him under her wing and try her best in order to save him. He'd lost his wife and child to the serial killer Red John, the subsequent grief and guilt too heavy a burden for a man to carry.  
As much as she deemed it foolish to go and speak about a serial killer on TV, there was no way she could held him entirely responsible for what had happened.  
He did, however, and kept on torturing himself with dark thoughts – and at the same time plotted to exact revenge on the man who'd robbed him of his family.

Teresa didn't want to see him go down in flames, either by another nervous breakdown or by staining his hands with murder instead. She'd grown fond of him, and she was fiercely protective of those she cared about; that was why she always kept a discreet eye on him, even while he was supposedly taking a nap on that piece of junk he'd dug out of the evidence room.

With another sigh she sat at her desk and grabbed the first form that was waiting for her to fill it in. She worked relentlessly for the better part of the morning, taking just a couple of breaks to refill her mug with fresh coffee from the kitchenette.  
When she walked out of her office around lunchtime, she met Jane strolling out of the kitchenette with a newly brewed cup of tea.

"Morning, Lisbon," he smiled at her, and the now familiar rush of affection shot straight to her chest. Sometimes she just wanted to take his pain away, wished to be able to shield him from all the cruelty of this world.

Instead she simply nodded and brushed past him. He was a grieving widower focused on revenge, she'd better not even go there lest she ended up with a broken heart once again.

It seemed that she was destined to be alone, and if that was what God wanted for her then so be it. She gulped down the tears that were lingering at the back of her throat along with her coffee, the bitterness of the mix only making her even more determined to put everything firmly behind her back.

As she strode back to where her duty awaited her, she heard a familiar voice coming from the corner where Jane's couch was located. Much to her surprise Mary Beth stood there, apparently enjoying some small talk with her consultant; immediately she felt the urge to protect her daughter from an unnamed danger, and she quickly stepped in.

"What are you doing here, Beth?"

"Oh, hi Mom. I just popped in to see if you wanted to grab a bite with me. I don't have any more lessons until later in the afternoon."

All of a sudden she felt Jane's eyes on her, and she fought back the blush rising to her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, darling, I've work to do. Maybe another time, okay?"

Mary Beth nodded understandingly and made to leave. "I'll see you in the evening then. Goodbye Mr. Jane, it's been a pleasure to meet you."

They both watched the girl walking out of the bullpen, then Jane's voice made itself heard.

"So you have a daughter – and a beautiful one too. You've never mentioned her before."

"That's none of your business," she shot back curtly, only to feel ashamed of herself a moment later. Even though she wasn't comfortable with talking about her personal life, that didn't mean she had any right to treat him like that.

"I'm sorry, Jane. Looks like I'm a bit edgy today."

He glanced around as if checking that there was no one in the bullpen apart from the two of them. Most people had already left for lunch, so he rested an hand on her shoulder.

"You're just trying to protect your daughter. I understand that."

She bit her lip when Jane trailed off, clearly thinking about his late daughter; she really shouldn't have snapped at him like that.

"I didn't mean…"

However, he shushed her by pulling her in for a gentle embrace. He'd never done that before; she froze momentarily, then wrapped her arms around him in response.

"I can see that you've suffered a lot in your life. It's okay that you don't want to go through it anymore."

And for a brief moment she allowed herself to feel just safe in the shelter of his arms.


	4. Chapter 3

Strangely enough, it was her daughter's words that echoed inside her mind as she eventually pulled the trigger.

_You're a little in love with him, aren't you?_

She'd denied it back then, but she wasn't sure she'd be able to do the same right now. Not when she'd just had to try a lucky shot in order to save him from the knife that was pressing against his throat.

They'd started closing in on the serial killer during the past six months, finally picking up a lead which had taken them to an abandoned farmhouse. Red John was waiting for them there, and much to her surprise Jane had stepped in in order to protect her from the madman.

It was true that they'd fallen into some sort of friendship of late; however, physical courage had never been his strong suit, so that was the very last thing she'd been expecting from him.  
She'd always been the stronger of the two of them, the one who took care of him rather than the other way round. Seeing him held at knifepoint was like her worst nightmare coming true, especially as she didn't have any other chance but to fire her weapon.

For a moment which seemed to last an eternity she couldn't tell which one of the two men had been hit. She closed her eyes in a silent prayer, then opened them again to watch the serial killer crumble to the ground at Jane's feet.  
As for Jane himself, he was pale as a sheet and there was a tiny scratch under his throat; other than that he looked just fine, even if he was probably in a state of shock after the rambling events of the last couple of hours.

A sense of unreality fell over her as she stepped forward and checked the pulse of the man lying on the floor. He was dead, and so was Jane's quest for revenge.

It was only then that she managed to bring herself to face her consultant. "You all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered slowly, though there was a hollow ring to his tone. "Never better."

Lisbon couldn't tell whether he was angry at her for stealing his vengeance, or merely relieved that the serial killer was no more. In the end she simply couldn't hold back, threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

Once again she'd come so close to losing someone else she deeply cared about, like had happened with her parents. She needed the contact to remind her that he was indeed still alive, they were both safe and sound and that was all that mattered.

"I'm sorry, Teresa," he murmured against her cheek, though she wasn't sure what he was referring to. His hand was now running up and down her spine in a soothing gesture, and she let out a sob she didn't realize she'd been holding.

It was then that he placed a finger under her chin, tilting her face up in order to see her eyes. She tried a watery smile through the tears that were blurring her sight, silently thanking God that had directed her shot.

However, Jane seemed to have different ideas, for he ghosted his lips over hers until she was the one to close the distance between them.  
It had been so long since she'd last been kissed by a man; she'd had a few dates over the years, but none of them had ever turned into anything serious. The plain truth was that she was afraid of commitment, afraid of being hurt again; and anyway she'd never felt that way with other men that weren't Patrick Jane.

She could hardly believe that he was ready to move on so soon after the tragedy that had befallen his family, but she wouldn't be the one to complain if he actually was.  
Over the last few months Mary Beth had been teasing her mother mercilessly about her supposed crush for her consultant, and now she finally had to admit that her daughter couldn't have been more right.

When Jane eventually deepened the kiss her fingers sneaked to the soft curls at the nape of his neck, and she sighed contentedly against his lips.  
The words 'I love you' almost fell from her mouth, but then her fingertips found the long thin scar behind his left ear and she immediately broke the kiss.

The boy she'd slept with some fifteen years ago had quite a similar scar in that very place, and she found herself staring at Jane in sudden disbelief.

No, he couldn't be her one-night stand from so long ago. She just couldn't face that.

Abruptly she pulled back and bolted for the door, hastily digging the cellphone out of her pocket to call her other team members. She would leave them to deal with the crime scene and the subsequent investigation; right now she needed some space to let everything that had happened sink in to the back of her mind.


	5. Chapter 4

Teresa was curled up on the bed when a soft knock came at her bedroom door.

"Mom? Mr. Jane is downstairs – he wants to see you."

She bit her lip and stayed silent. Of course she wasn't really sick, she'd simply taken a couple of days off in order to avoid facing him; and yet he'd decided to show up at her apartment, even though she was sure he knew she didn't want to see him.

"Mom? Are you awake?"

"Could you please tell him I'm not feeling well? I'll see him when I come back to work."

There was a pause, then the door was pushed open and Mary Beth walked in. She could tell that her daughter was worried, and she felt guilt settling in her chest; the last thing she wanted was to cause any suffering to her, or to anybody else for that matter.

"You know you can talk to me. Tell me what happened."

Now it seemed that their roles had been reversed, her girl was speaking in a gentle voice like only a parent would do.

"You know what happened. My friend almost lost his life to a deranged serial killer, and I nearly shot him while trying to save him."

A flash of sympathy crossed her daughter's features. Now that she looked at her more closely Teresa could actually tell the similarities that Mary Beth shared with her biological father, and she wondered how she'd missed that before.  
The girl's eyes were exactly like his own, and though she resembled her mother closely there were more subtle things that she'd unmistakably inherited from Patrick Jane.

Like her uncanny insight about other people's feelings, for one.

"It's not just that, I can tell. Please, Mom."

"I need some space, I guess. You don't have to worry, darling; I'm fine, I promise."

Mary Beth let out a soft sigh and made to leave. "He's a good man, you know," she said as she stood on the threshold. "And he cares about you too."

She bit her lip again, then almost against her will she got up and slowly walked downstairs. After all, she owed it to her daughter if not to herself.  
The girl gracefully disappeared as soon as her mother stepped into the living room, leaving the two adults to talk things through on their own.

"She's a good girl," Jane stated somewhat absent-mindedly, unknowingly choosing the very same words that Mary Beth had used before. And that was when it dawned on her at last – he _knew_, had known for quite some time now.  
He was the man who owned a memory palace that was nothing short of a fortress after all.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked somewhat abruptly.

"Why didn't I tell you what?"

"That you remembered about… us."

Jane began to fidget uncomfortably. "What was I supposed to say? Hey, I'm the guy who took away your innocence, do you remember me?"

"How long have you known?"

"I put two and two together when Minelli mentioned that you came from Chicago. I thought I knew you from somewhere, but couldn't place it before."

_Because my mind was still clouded with grief over my recent loss_, that was what he left unsaid, but it still hung in the air between them.  
Then an even more unpleasant thought hit her, and she knew she had to ask.

"What about your late wife, was she your girlfriend at the time? Were you just sneaking behind her back?"

His eyes were deadly serious when they bore into her own. "I didn't meet Angela for another couple of years. I looked for you, I swear – but I didn't even know your name, how was I supposed to find you?"

"You did… what?"

Only then Jane dared to take a step towards her; he didn't touch her though, even if she could tell that he craved to.

"I wanted to know who you were, and what was making you so sad. I had never met anyone so vulnerable and yet so strong at the same time."

Teresa swallowed down the lump that had settled in her throat; she'd been selfish and reckless, now it could too late to make amends for her mistakes.  
Bitter tears began to trickle down her cheeks; she struggled briefly when he wrapped his arms around her, then suddenly relaxed against his chest.

"I fell in love with Angela because she reminded me of you, in a way. She was stronger than me, and I knew I needed someone like her in my life."

"But you are strong, Patrick," she whispered before brushing her lips at the corner of his mouth.

He sighed happily and held her closer to him. "Not like you. Never like you."

They stayed there for a while, and for the first time in years she felt complete again. Somehow she knew that the same applied to Jane as well; their reunion was nothing short of a miracle, and she thanked God for that.

"What about Mary Beth?" he asked at length. "Shouldn't we tell her?"

"Wait, how can you be so sure that she's actually yours?"

"You're translucent to me, Teresa. I can read you like an open book."

She swatted his arm, but she wasn't really angry at him this time. "And I've spent all these years wondering who she's taken after, with her cocky attitude and everything."

Jane only pulled her in for an affectionate kiss, his fingers threading through her hair as she hummed in pleasure.

They both startled when a soft chuckle made itself heard from the hall, right where their daughter had probably been spying upon them the entire time.  
Teresa blushed crimson and hid her face against the front of his shirt.


End file.
